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Again, I am faced with reality, reality of me being a coward.

I am not as brave as I thought. And I always try to find the easy way out, without considering the consequences.
In the end, I am the one who regrets. Regret of the possibility of hurting other people and their trusts.
Regret of not taking the time to calm down, to be overwhelmed by the situation instead of controlling it.
To let Him be in control...

I found this stage of life is the hardest so far. Not because of other people, but because of myself.
To be face to face with your own weakness, to be responsible, to hold yourself accountable.
It is hard. It is hard...

I have learnt not to blame other people. But I still want to run away. And the worry is troublesome. It's crushing me.
Sometimes I feel like I am alone, doing everything alone, despite of many many many support surrounding me.
People who says to me, I'm not alone That they're there to help me, to support me.
And I feel useless because I feel like I failed them. I may not know what they expect from me, what they see.
But I feel like I should have done things better, should be able to use time more wisely, efficiently.
Should be in control.

But there's that balance that I have to find. I've been going from one end to the other end.
Ever clueless of where is the real balance that I should be at.

Well, again... I shout to the Lord. Help me! Guide me! I need You! I need You!
And again, without fail, He brings me peace. But I keep on worrying, for I am a coward still.
It is at this moment I remember Jesus rebukes "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
And again I am being reminded. This stage is hard, not because I am held accountable by men, but in front of God.
In front of God... I have failed. That's the hardest of them all. The hardest to bear...
To know that I failed You. Big times...

But He is kind. Ever merciful. He is the one who has been leading me. And He is showing me the way.
At this moment, it is my time to find my meaning in life, to find my purpose, my calling, to ask for my part.
To be readied for it.

Even though it is hard, but He is opening the ways for me. And I will march forward. Yes, I will...
I am scared still but the peace of the Lord will guard my mind and heart. As He has promised...

Yes, I will hold on to His promises. I will cling on it for my life. For You are my strength, my one and only.

Lord, in You i put all my hope. In You.... I will rely on. In You, I know everything will be perfect, just the way You want it.
And it will be for me.... And I will look forward to it. I am looking forward to it. The process is painful but I will see Your glory shines at the end of this race. And the pain will be nothing...

Thank You Lord.
When I am weak, You make me strong(er).