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Dalam rembulan, dalam cah'ya mentari
Di gelap badai dan indahnya pelangi
Dalam tangisan dan wajah berseri
Kan kutemukan kasih terbesar bagi dunia ini

Diam, kuterpaku dan ku takjub
Akan kasihMu yang tergores indah
Dalam anug'rah, hatiku milikMu
Indah, kuterkagum dan kubawakan hidupku
Kau membuat hatiku menjadi baru
Bahagiaku mengenalMu

Again, I am faced with reality, reality of me being a coward.

I am not as brave as I thought. And I always try to find the easy way out, without considering the consequences.
In the end, I am the one who regrets. Regret of the possibility of hurting other people and their trusts.
Regret of not taking the time to calm down, to be overwhelmed by the situation instead of controlling it.
To let Him be in control...

I found this stage of life is the hardest so far. Not because of other people, but because of myself.
To be face to face with your own weakness, to be responsible, to hold yourself accountable.
It is hard. It is hard...

I have learnt not to blame other people. But I still want to run away. And the worry is troublesome. It's crushing me.
Sometimes I feel like I am alone, doing everything alone, despite of many many many support surrounding me.
People who says to me, I'm not alone That they're there to help me, to support me.
And I feel useless because I feel like I failed them. I may not know what they expect from me, what they see.
But I feel like I should have done things better, should be able to use time more wisely, efficiently.
Should be in control.

But there's that balance that I have to find. I've been going from one end to the other end.
Ever clueless of where is the real balance that I should be at.

Well, again... I shout to the Lord. Help me! Guide me! I need You! I need You!
And again, without fail, He brings me peace. But I keep on worrying, for I am a coward still.
It is at this moment I remember Jesus rebukes "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
And again I am being reminded. This stage is hard, not because I am held accountable by men, but in front of God.
In front of God... I have failed. That's the hardest of them all. The hardest to bear...
To know that I failed You. Big times...

But He is kind. Ever merciful. He is the one who has been leading me. And He is showing me the way.
At this moment, it is my time to find my meaning in life, to find my purpose, my calling, to ask for my part.
To be readied for it.

Even though it is hard, but He is opening the ways for me. And I will march forward. Yes, I will...
I am scared still but the peace of the Lord will guard my mind and heart. As He has promised...

Yes, I will hold on to His promises. I will cling on it for my life. For You are my strength, my one and only.

Lord, in You i put all my hope. In You.... I will rely on. In You, I know everything will be perfect, just the way You want it.
And it will be for me.... And I will look forward to it. I am looking forward to it. The process is painful but I will see Your glory shines at the end of this race. And the pain will be nothing...

Thank You Lord.
When I am weak, You make me strong(er).

01. You're cute!
02. You're pretty!
03. You're like a Korean (?) - I'm assuming this a good thing coz Korean people are famous for their beauties right? Lol.
04. You're lika a Japanese doll
05. Dia cewe banget ya?
06. You're like Yuna (as in the chara from FFX - I know... So otaku! Lol.)
07. You're funny!
08. You're so innocent.
09. You have a baby face.
10. You've changed so much! (In a better way... Tho unsure what way. Lol.)
11. You look so much like your mom.
12. You have a "golden" hand (or something of that sort)
13. You have nice handwritings.
14. You smell nice.
15. You're so kind.

Well.... Which one do you think is the weirdest? Lol.
And which one you would like to receive?

If you are to give compliments, which one you'll say the most?

This is my moment.

Others have been trained and burnt.

Now this is my turn.

And I will not yield.

It is painful but I will not give up nor run away.

Yes. I will stand still and be proved!

That I am indeed the chosen beloved.

How great would it be... If when I look at "my boyfriend's" face and I remember You instead.
How awesome would it be... If when I'm with "him", I desire You even more...

I think I'm screwed....

Don't you think I'm screwed?

Falling deeper and deeper in love. Longing for more... Aching for more...

Longing to see You face to face...



(Reading at it again, I feel like I'm planning to "cheat" on my future boyfriend. If I ever get one. Lol.)

It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
And you can't love if you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out
Coz I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
And so take this heart of mine, there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong all because of You
I'll stand in awe of every mountain that You moved
For I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am saved from this moment on

There's no fear when the night comes round
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
And so take this heart of mine, there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying but my feet are on the ground
It's like the world is silent though I know it isn't true
It's like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room

And so take this heart of mine, there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I start my job at April 11. First week was totally nothing.
April 18, I got my first real project. First week of that project is spent by reading agreements and getting to know their products while waiting for them to find me a desk and a PC to work on.
By April 25, I was making chart flows of the sales process of their current IOM and by the end of that week, I left the first part and work on the second "urgent" part.
By May 2, I was running around buildings for stupid trainings and looking for people (damn... If they didn't force me to take the trainings, It'd have been much much much better.)
By May 9, I'm already underway of planning, proposing (rejected) and doing the whole thing for product launching that were supposed to be due on May 15th.
By Today (May 13th), I have given up and proposed a two weeks time extensions while going crazy with the preparations.

By Monday (May 15th). Probably I will be killed by my other supervisors because I can't fulfill her datelines.
Oh and not to mention that everything might fail.

On a cooler notes, in one week and a lil bit of a half, I worked my ass off and managed to start preparation for product launching that should be launched in two weeks time. Meaning it took me a almost a month to launch a product.

Is that a good one? How come I get the feeling that my supervisor (the other supervisor that I haven't work with closely) is not too happy on me. -_- Damn....

Lord, the next two weeks.... I think it will all be Your miracles only. Much like the previous month actually.

Oh gosh... I'm going crazy....


Well... I survived so far....

Lord, gimme the strength to keep on running....

Objective:
- To launch sales on Monday next week

Time left:
- 4 days (excluding weekends: 1 day)

Needed:
- Trained sales
- System to enroll
- System to process enrollment
- Data format

Completed:
- None

Time needed to develop:
- 7 days
- 8 days
- 14 days
- 2 days

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Comment: I love my job.




(U think?)

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Aren't we glad that there's nothing impossible for our God?

Tho I'd really need miracles for the above to happen. Hah! Yeah... Weeeeeeeee.......!

I believe He'll open up ways even though it won't be easy. And I'm willing to go for it.
With His guidance and strength and wisdom...

I am weak, yet I am strong! I'll never give up! Fightinnnngggg!!!!!
Nothing is impossible! Yosh!

Very eventful.... Was first time spending the whole day at another building. Meeting up and chat with a lot of interesting people, getting stressed out because have to meet with people with unclear concept of questions that I have to ask. Making flow charts of the end-to-end process, making system's layout, asking for authorization, being yelled at, overcoming the situations. From very stressing because feeling so unproductive because have to be in a different building doing stuffs that I felt unimportant. To feeling very stressed because there is soo much to do with soo little time. It's been a very interesting week so far.

The one thing I'm regretting is probably my way of handling stuffs. My "I-don't-want-to-get-into-anyone's-bad-side" personality and so my "running-away-without-solving-the-problem". Sigh. After I think about it, I think I said the wrong thing. Because I don't understand my position better. I should not have done that. I should have done this.

But what's done, is done. I'm learning to learn my position, to use whatever I have in hand to achieve my mission. (Yeah! It's my project! And I'm being given the power to handle it. So need to use it, can't really be a "peace-maker" can I? It's actually generating problem for some other people. Lol.)

Ah well... But yeah... Prolly this is the most interesting week so far, coz I got to implement what I learnt so far - though still have a lot more to learn...

Still thanking God every single day for His amazing encouragements. =) Surely nothing is 'accidental' for Him. Hahaha.

Off for now.

When I was unemployed:
- I love the friends that I met back in (both) Unis
- I love the simple life style outside of Indonesia
- I love the independence and carefree way of life
- I love struggling everyday with new language
- I love hanging out with my friends (when they're around. Lol.)
- I love staying by myself and having time for myself
- I love waking up late (when possible)
- I love going out with my parents
- I love driving whenever, wherever (avoiding traffic hours of course)
- I love having lunch and dinner with my family
- I love shopping with them too
- I love just being together with them (when they're not talking about me or angry at something)
- I love laying around in my room, browsing my net

When I am employed:
- I love waking up in the morning and being grateful each and everyday because I'm not late
- I love being driven to the office so that I can prepare my work in the car (or sleep, whichever I want)
- I love having an old PC and not being able to send my work outside of the office (a reason of having my work stay in the office)
- I love having to travel to different buildings with public transport (a.k.a taxi)
- I love thanking God for the ease of finding public transport just in time when I need it
- I love meeting up with new people and just talk with them, learning what they do (while learning what I have to learn too. Lol.)
- I love knowing that I have a job that I can do (i.e when I know how to do it exactly)
- I love being involved in, and considered in as part of the team
- I love being in a meeting (that doesn't involve giving me more jobs that I already has. Lol.)
- I love just to be able to do my job alone in my desk with my old PC with my earphone on
- I love having access in and out everywhere and anywhere! (Not yet though. Soon! Lol.)
- I love having the free parking thingy
- I love being able to just walk from one building to another (usually for lunch or meeting at a coffee shop, granted when my heels aren't killing me)
- I love knowing that I have friends in different buildings and different areas
- I love to get to know fellow workers around my age
- I love my kind supervisors who are helpful yet allowing me to grow with my own way and giving me chances to do stuffs (or more like it's one of our requirements? Lol.)
- I love the simple snacks and small talks while working
- I love making new friends
- I love the "Hanging-Out-Together-After-Work-Fridays"
- I love knowing that I have a lot to do (even though I'm still clueless in some parts)
- I love knowing that I'm learning a lot of stuffs and that by the end of this project, I will know the end-to-end process of the business section I'm in
- I love the occasional refreshing moments available

So I am (learning to) lov(ing) a whole lots of stuffs. Stuffs that I might not realize before and stuffs that I'm realizing now.
But the thing that I love the most is the realization (and simple gratitude feeling each day) that through everything I have Him by my side. Renewing me every single day. Giving me strength through out the day to help me do whatever I have to do. Knowing that everything that is good from me is from Him. That I'm not running the race alone. That He will provide ways for me. Opening up doors at the right moments, amazing me and make me wonder. At the same time, not only make me a survivor but someone who is able to strife and be the best that I can be.

You're the greatest! Love You!