Monday, December 14, 2015
I just had a really messed up dream about dad. And the after life. I'm not sure if it's because I was talking with mom in the car about this whole thing. About dad having glimpses of life after death even before he was dead. Or how he hang on for years or even days when they were calling for him already. Or how everything is nothingness and just conciousness in the world of the death. (Or life after we give up our physical bodies).
Anyway, the dream goes where I was in this one place. Kinda like a hospital's ER. A lot of patient went in there and a lot of us were just waiting to hear news about them. The different was dad somehow managed to come back alive, and well, he had to go through the whole pain thingy and died repeatedly. Unable to move on. And I, somehow had to witness him going through the excruciating physical pain of dying repeatedly. And each it broke my heart to see him struggle. He'd ended up looking really weird and pale and it seemed like the blood veins popped up everywhere. Kinda like a weird, white and pale voldemort, really. Mom was in the waiting room. There were a lot of other people as well. I remembered Fio was there but she was kinda like a spg who sell stuffs in a mall's stall.
Anyway, after a few cycle of dad dying over and over, I decided I had to do something. Accompamy him. Ease his pain somehow. Talk to him for the last time. The one thing I couldn't do before. Hold his hands some more. And let him know I'm there with him. That he should be fine and he's not alone. I lost my strength to walk and stand up before I had to go back to the "ER" and to the waiting room to find mom and dad. (There was an instance where dad was kinda sitting behind the staff's glass in the waiting room. Helping newer patient to get in. Really. It's so him to try to help out even when he's also the patient. It was to the point where the other people thought he waa the "doctor").
Anw it was during my "resting moments to gather strength to continue walking" that I found Fio and chat with her for a bit. Not really important stuffs. Just about how I also has the bag they were selling. Lol. And then finally I walked on, took a deep breath before I pushed open the "ER door" and found dad lying on one of the stretcher right in front of me.
He looked like he was in pain. And I just looked for his hands and squeezed it. He noticed me, lifted up his head to see me and lay back down with his rugged breath. I pat the back of his hand that squeezed my right hand with my left. Trying to soothe him over the pain. I tried talking to him, remembered he doesn't really understands English and so I switched to Chinese somehow. Lol. "爸爸，别这样。别太。。累。。” I don't remember what I said exactly but I think it was my prayer for him to let go and move on. There was a doctor with another patient right ahead of us and it wasn't looking well there too. But when the doctor noticed us, he encouraged me and dad with Chinese too. I can't remember what he said tho.
Anw, I was kinda upset to see dad struggling so I didn't pay much attention to dad's. But somehow he calmed down and his appearance came back to "normal" looking. As if he was really peaceful and was just lying there. Almost as if he was... Gone... But in a peaceful manner instead of struggling desperately against the pain. It was then I realized, I haven't talked to dad. I haven't asked him what I was dying to know. And I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. So I called "errr... Doctor??? Something's wrong with dad?!" Except he wasn't really looking like something is wrong. It was probably his best state so far in the "ER". I put my hand on his chest to ensure he was still breathing but in my panicked moment, I couldn't seem to ensure myself whether he was still there with me or not. Anyway, after what seemed like a long while, he opened his eyes again looking much calmer than before. I breathe out my sigh of relieved.
I duck my head down near to his ear so we could talk and put my ear near his lips so I could hear what he was saying because it felt like he may only reply in whisphers. So we ended up like half hugging on the bed while I still try to hold his hand in mine.
I asked him "Jadi di sana kaya apa sih? Rame ga? Bukannya enak ya banyak yang nyanyi2?"
Dad was just "pouting" with his disapproval and shook his head, as if saying no.
"Jadi kaya apa dong di sana? Ketemu sama Ama ama Akong ga?"
He finally nooded a bit. "Ya ada sih yang nyanyi2 gitu." Kinda gave the impressions of how the singing would just bored him.
"Oh terus kalo ga nyanyi emang mau ngapain lagi?"
"Ya... Kalo ga nyanyi badannya sakit semua. Kalo Amanda maunya kemana?" He asked me as if to know what I'm gonna do if I'm there later.
"Ya enakan nyanyi dong, rame, happy. Ngapain badannya sakit2? Mendingan nyanyi?"
He listened to me as if I was giving him the final decision factor of what to do next time. If there's a next time.
And then suddenly there was a "doctor" and a "nurse" upon us. Asking us if we were ready? I wasn't sure ready for what? Since we were just talking like everything's alright. Suddenly though, dad was acting weird. He was on the bed on the other side of the pillow with my face on the other end of the pillow. He squeezed my hand again and said "thank you" and cried. So I was confused and speechless looking wildly between dad and the "smiling nurse" who watched us kindly. In the end I think I also stammered thank you to dad. And it felt like he was finally free and gone.
And that's when I woke up with a heavy breathing. What a weird dream. Maybe it was because I read "The first phone call from Heaven" by Mitch and talked about after life and dad with mom in the car today. But definitely the strangest and longest dream I've had about dad ever since. (And I just wondered why I never really dream about dad in a significant way. Like the one focused on him instead of just weird dreams where dad was just happened to be there. Like when we were chased by dinosaurs. Lol)
Well, I guess this is a sign that I've finally let him go? And I do really wish that dad is in a better place now.
The one question that seemed to get stuck in my mind as I woke up and almost lost it as I was trying to write down all the details to my weird dream was "what if there is a twist to all of this? What if we have a free will, a choice even towards the very end to choose between the 2? The happy singing world or the world of physical pain? What if people actually was still confused even until the end which one to choose between the 2? To leave the comfort zone and accept the happy singing life of life after death. Or stay in the comfort zone of the familiar pain? What if we could all choose that and Jesus was ready to accept our decisions either way as He helped us to move to the next world?" After all, that is the "downside" to free will. That we are able to choose our own fate but that means that we are able to fall into the "evil" side. But sometimes people can't see it for what it is. And hence they made the wrong choices.
I don't know. It's weird. The questions popped up because in the dream it seemed like dad could go back and forth between the 2 while he still couldn't make up his mind where to go. But if what Imve been reading or listening about heaven is true, he should feel overwhelemed with love and God's goodness if he had experience the "singing" for himself. But it kinda seemed like he hadn't. And that he was just looking from afar. And so it all seemed kinda boring. Pointless. Tho I'm not sure what he thought about the other choices of physical pain but it felt that since he was familiar with that, he might be more comfortable to chose that. As if leaning towards that before talking to me. Comfort zone vs out of comfort zone.
Ah wells. Now that the excitement died down. Time to start the day.
Good morning to you all.
;;
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