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I thought I gave up. And part of me wanted everything to end soon. And that part made me partake in the process of killing my own dad. So that I can be 'free'. Hah. What a joke.

Well, now that it all happened already, it's not as what I imagined how it'd be. 

Free. 

Instead everything feels useless. It's all in vain. What is life? When in the end we all die anyway. Whatever we do on earth is useless. 

Then tonight my mom dragged me to this bible study for our church community that we finally joined at the last moment before dad died. 

In there, we discussed how Mary Magdalene handled the death of Jesus and the missing of His body. She cried, she searched, she looked back and finally she rejoiced and started to spread the good news of Jesus's resurrection.

When she finally realized that Jesus is alive and with her, she praised God and were rejoiced. In there, I was slapped. Yes, I didn't show it. Especially not in front of my own family. But I kept on grieving somehow. Even when I thought I'm done. Part of me, a tiny part of me, who sometimes showed up, tried to praise Him even when it hurts like hell. 

But for the most part, I questioned why, mostly angry of myself. Of why it had to happened to dad, to us, to our family. What's the whole point of all this? Really. Is this all worths it? If I can be given the choice of not being born at all, would I still choose to come to this world? If we all one day will part anyway, what's the whole point of meetings in the first place?

In my brain I know. I've read enough. That we should be strong. That whatever adversities, we should overcome it. That even though we fall, we should get back on our own 2 feet and continue to love anyway. That one day in the future, we'd look back and say "we've through it. We've done well." That it is all not in vain and God is working through every single incidents in our life. That this is all will pass. That when we have God on our side, nothing will ever be bad for us. Nothing can stand against us. And we will be above the winds. Praising God for His goodness and faithfullness. 

But for now I don't care. Whatever. It's all in vain. Shut up. And I blanked out. Trying to shut everything and anything away. Like a robot programmed to just do whatever tasks in front. Without thinking nor feeling. It's not necessary. It's all a hassle. Sure, let's sympathized and emphatized with others, when I remember to of course. Lol. But as for myself? Just. Let. Me. Be. 

And yet, even when I shut everything, He calls. He calls my name everyday, softly. Unceasingly. He says, I'm here. Don't shut Me out. I'm here with You. I know it's hard. I never said it'll be easy. But you'll be okay because I'm with you through it all. You are not alone. 

You are not alone.

Death is a natural human experience. Everybody hasor will experience death in some form one day in their life. We're not the only one who has to part. As the pastor who led my dad's funeral service said "God lent us him and now He wants him back". So it's time to let go. And praise God and be grateful for the time that He has allowed us to be together. It won't be easy. It's something that I have to remind myself everytime. And hopefully, something I can share with mom as well. So that she can have peace and know that dad is alright up there. God is taking care of him. 

God is taking care of us. 

👼🏻