Monday, December 14, 2015
I just had a really messed up dream about dad. And the after life. I'm not sure if it's because I was talking with mom in the car about this whole thing. About dad having glimpses of life after death even before he was dead. Or how he hang on for years or even days when they were calling for him already. Or how everything is nothingness and just conciousness in the world of the death. (Or life after we give up our physical bodies).
Anyway, the dream goes where I was in this one place. Kinda like a hospital's ER. A lot of patient went in there and a lot of us were just waiting to hear news about them. The different was dad somehow managed to come back alive, and well, he had to go through the whole pain thingy and died repeatedly. Unable to move on. And I, somehow had to witness him going through the excruciating physical pain of dying repeatedly. And each it broke my heart to see him struggle. He'd ended up looking really weird and pale and it seemed like the blood veins popped up everywhere. Kinda like a weird, white and pale voldemort, really. Mom was in the waiting room. There were a lot of other people as well. I remembered Fio was there but she was kinda like a spg who sell stuffs in a mall's stall.
Anyway, after a few cycle of dad dying over and over, I decided I had to do something. Accompamy him. Ease his pain somehow. Talk to him for the last time. The one thing I couldn't do before. Hold his hands some more. And let him know I'm there with him. That he should be fine and he's not alone. I lost my strength to walk and stand up before I had to go back to the "ER" and to the waiting room to find mom and dad. (There was an instance where dad was kinda sitting behind the staff's glass in the waiting room. Helping newer patient to get in. Really. It's so him to try to help out even when he's also the patient. It was to the point where the other people thought he waa the "doctor").
Anw it was during my "resting moments to gather strength to continue walking" that I found Fio and chat with her for a bit. Not really important stuffs. Just about how I also has the bag they were selling. Lol. And then finally I walked on, took a deep breath before I pushed open the "ER door" and found dad lying on one of the stretcher right in front of me.
He looked like he was in pain. And I just looked for his hands and squeezed it. He noticed me, lifted up his head to see me and lay back down with his rugged breath. I pat the back of his hand that squeezed my right hand with my left. Trying to soothe him over the pain. I tried talking to him, remembered he doesn't really understands English and so I switched to Chinese somehow. Lol. "爸爸，别这样。别太。。累。。” I don't remember what I said exactly but I think it was my prayer for him to let go and move on. There was a doctor with another patient right ahead of us and it wasn't looking well there too. But when the doctor noticed us, he encouraged me and dad with Chinese too. I can't remember what he said tho.
Anw, I was kinda upset to see dad struggling so I didn't pay much attention to dad's. But somehow he calmed down and his appearance came back to "normal" looking. As if he was really peaceful and was just lying there. Almost as if he was... Gone... But in a peaceful manner instead of struggling desperately against the pain. It was then I realized, I haven't talked to dad. I haven't asked him what I was dying to know. And I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. So I called "errr... Doctor??? Something's wrong with dad?!" Except he wasn't really looking like something is wrong. It was probably his best state so far in the "ER". I put my hand on his chest to ensure he was still breathing but in my panicked moment, I couldn't seem to ensure myself whether he was still there with me or not. Anyway, after what seemed like a long while, he opened his eyes again looking much calmer than before. I breathe out my sigh of relieved.
I duck my head down near to his ear so we could talk and put my ear near his lips so I could hear what he was saying because it felt like he may only reply in whisphers. So we ended up like half hugging on the bed while I still try to hold his hand in mine.
I asked him "Jadi di sana kaya apa sih? Rame ga? Bukannya enak ya banyak yang nyanyi2?"
Dad was just "pouting" with his disapproval and shook his head, as if saying no.
"Jadi kaya apa dong di sana? Ketemu sama Ama ama Akong ga?"
He finally nooded a bit. "Ya ada sih yang nyanyi2 gitu." Kinda gave the impressions of how the singing would just bored him.
"Oh terus kalo ga nyanyi emang mau ngapain lagi?"
"Ya... Kalo ga nyanyi badannya sakit semua. Kalo Amanda maunya kemana?" He asked me as if to know what I'm gonna do if I'm there later.
"Ya enakan nyanyi dong, rame, happy. Ngapain badannya sakit2? Mendingan nyanyi?"
He listened to me as if I was giving him the final decision factor of what to do next time. If there's a next time.
And then suddenly there was a "doctor" and a "nurse" upon us. Asking us if we were ready? I wasn't sure ready for what? Since we were just talking like everything's alright. Suddenly though, dad was acting weird. He was on the bed on the other side of the pillow with my face on the other end of the pillow. He squeezed my hand again and said "thank you" and cried. So I was confused and speechless looking wildly between dad and the "smiling nurse" who watched us kindly. In the end I think I also stammered thank you to dad. And it felt like he was finally free and gone.
And that's when I woke up with a heavy breathing. What a weird dream. Maybe it was because I read "The first phone call from Heaven" by Mitch and talked about after life and dad with mom in the car today. But definitely the strangest and longest dream I've had about dad ever since. (And I just wondered why I never really dream about dad in a significant way. Like the one focused on him instead of just weird dreams where dad was just happened to be there. Like when we were chased by dinosaurs. Lol)
Well, I guess this is a sign that I've finally let him go? And I do really wish that dad is in a better place now.
The one question that seemed to get stuck in my mind as I woke up and almost lost it as I was trying to write down all the details to my weird dream was "what if there is a twist to all of this? What if we have a free will, a choice even towards the very end to choose between the 2? The happy singing world or the world of physical pain? What if people actually was still confused even until the end which one to choose between the 2? To leave the comfort zone and accept the happy singing life of life after death. Or stay in the comfort zone of the familiar pain? What if we could all choose that and Jesus was ready to accept our decisions either way as He helped us to move to the next world?" After all, that is the "downside" to free will. That we are able to choose our own fate but that means that we are able to fall into the "evil" side. But sometimes people can't see it for what it is. And hence they made the wrong choices.
I don't know. It's weird. The questions popped up because in the dream it seemed like dad could go back and forth between the 2 while he still couldn't make up his mind where to go. But if what Imve been reading or listening about heaven is true, he should feel overwhelemed with love and God's goodness if he had experience the "singing" for himself. But it kinda seemed like he hadn't. And that he was just looking from afar. And so it all seemed kinda boring. Pointless. Tho I'm not sure what he thought about the other choices of physical pain but it felt that since he was familiar with that, he might be more comfortable to chose that. As if leaning towards that before talking to me. Comfort zone vs out of comfort zone.
Ah wells. Now that the excitement died down. Time to start the day.
Good morning to you all.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Was a bittersweet memory
Roller coaster of emotions: happy, tired, sleepy, surprised, happy...
With a tinge of sadness in the background.
Always.
Roller coaster of emotions: happy, tired, sleepy, surprised, happy...
With a tinge of sadness in the background.
Always.
Friday, September 11, 2015
I thought I was prepared, but after all, nothing can really prepare you from the partings of loved ones.
I thought I gave up. And part of me wanted everything to end soon. And that part made me partake in the process of killing my own dad. So that I can be 'free'. Hah. What a joke.
Well, now that it all happened already, it's not as what I imagined how it'd be.
Free.
Instead everything feels useless. It's all in vain. What is life? When in the end we all die anyway. Whatever we do on earth is useless.
Then tonight my mom dragged me to this bible study for our church community that we finally joined at the last moment before dad died.
In there, we discussed how Mary Magdalene handled the death of Jesus and the missing of His body. She cried, she searched, she looked back and finally she rejoiced and started to spread the good news of Jesus's resurrection.
When she finally realized that Jesus is alive and with her, she praised God and were rejoiced. In there, I was slapped. Yes, I didn't show it. Especially not in front of my own family. But I kept on grieving somehow. Even when I thought I'm done. Part of me, a tiny part of me, who sometimes showed up, tried to praise Him even when it hurts like hell.
But for the most part, I questioned why, mostly angry of myself. Of why it had to happened to dad, to us, to our family. What's the whole point of all this? Really. Is this all worths it? If I can be given the choice of not being born at all, would I still choose to come to this world? If we all one day will part anyway, what's the whole point of meetings in the first place?
In my brain I know. I've read enough. That we should be strong. That whatever adversities, we should overcome it. That even though we fall, we should get back on our own 2 feet and continue to love anyway. That one day in the future, we'd look back and say "we've through it. We've done well." That it is all not in vain and God is working through every single incidents in our life. That this is all will pass. That when we have God on our side, nothing will ever be bad for us. Nothing can stand against us. And we will be above the winds. Praising God for His goodness and faithfullness.
But for now I don't care. Whatever. It's all in vain. Shut up. And I blanked out. Trying to shut everything and anything away. Like a robot programmed to just do whatever tasks in front. Without thinking nor feeling. It's not necessary. It's all a hassle. Sure, let's sympathized and emphatized with others, when I remember to of course. Lol. But as for myself? Just. Let. Me. Be.
And yet, even when I shut everything, He calls. He calls my name everyday, softly. Unceasingly. He says, I'm here. Don't shut Me out. I'm here with You. I know it's hard. I never said it'll be easy. But you'll be okay because I'm with you through it all. You are not alone.
You are not alone.
Death is a natural human experience. Everybody hasor will experience death in some form one day in their life. We're not the only one who has to part. As the pastor who led my dad's funeral service said "God lent us him and now He wants him back". So it's time to let go. And praise God and be grateful for the time that He has allowed us to be together. It won't be easy. It's something that I have to remind myself everytime. And hopefully, something I can share with mom as well. So that she can have peace and know that dad is alright up there. God is taking care of him.
God is taking care of us.
👼🏻
Friday, September 4, 2015
By: Lana del Rey
All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh
That's how you sang it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh
That's how we played it
And there's no remedy
For memory
Your face is like a melody,
It won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me
And telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
(dead like you)
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side
All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh
That's why I stay here
And there's no remedy
For memory
Your face is like a melody,
It won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me
And telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
(dead like you)
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But there's no you,
Except in my dreams tonight,
Oh-oh-oh-oh-hah-hah-hah-hah
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh-oh-oh-oh-hah-hah-hah-hah
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
There's no relief,
I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me,
But I can feel you touching me
There's no release,
I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But there's no you,
Except in my dreams tonight,
Oh-oh-oh-oh-hah-hah-hah-hah
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh-oh-oh-oh-hah-hah-hah-hah
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Monday, August 31, 2015
By: Urban Zakapa
I know you cried a lot, I know how you feel
I was really worried at the thought of you crying yesterday
You’ll probably cry more because you still have
Many encounters ahead of you – I hope you know
Even if it’s not you, even if it’s someone better
They won’t pass by like a flowing river
But we will always be holding on to the flowing river all our lives
I can’t understand you and you can’t understand me
It will be really hard, I know
But we need to accept our relationship right now
Even if we meet more, we will stay the same
So don’t be afraid, everything will be alright
Even if it’s not you, even if it’s someone better
They won’t pass by like a flowing river
But we will always be holding on to the flowing river all our lives
I can’t understand you and you can’t understand me
Even if you understand, even if you throw the world away
When time passes, you will know
And you will make other painful but beautiful memories again
You don’t have to understand things that are not understandable – you just need to believe in it
Romanized:
Cham manhi ureotjyo? Geudae maeum da arayo
Eojedo geudae ul saenggage manhi yeomnyeo haesseoyo
Deo ulge doel geoeyo geudaeegen ajik deo manheun mannamdeuri itdaneun geol geudae aradugireul
Kkok dangsini anideorado deo joheun nugungarado heureuneun gangmure jinaji anhayo
Hajiman urineun pyeongsaeng heureuneun gangmureul butjabeumyeo saragal geoeyo
Ihaehal su eomneun geudae geudaedo nareul jeoldae ihaehal su eobtjyo
Manhi himdeulgetjyo nado algo isseoyo
Hajiman jigeum uri sai badadeullyeoyahaeyo
Jogeum deo mannanda haedo urin geudaerolgeoeyo
Geureoni geudae duryeowo mayo gwaenchanhajil geoya
Kkok dangsini anideorado deo joheun nugungarado heureuneun gangmure jinaji anhayo
Hajiman urineun pyeongsaeng heureuneun gangmureul butjabeumyeo saragal geoeyo
Ihaehal su eomneun geudae geudaedo nareul jeoldae ihaehal su eobtjyo
Hok dangsini ihaehandaedo sesangeul beorinda haedo
Sigani jinamyeon algeora mideoyo
Geurigo geudaeneun dasi apeugodo yeppeun chueokdeureul mandeureo gal tejyo
Ihaehal su eomneun geoseun
Ihaehaji anko geujeo mideojumyeon doejyo
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Pada suatu hari nanti
Jasadku tak akan ada lagi
Tapi dalam bait-bait sajak ini
Kau takkan kurelakan sendiri
Pada suatu hari nanti
Suaraku tak terdengar lagi
Tapi di antara larik-larik sajak ini
Kau akan tetap kusiasati
Pada suatu hari nanti
Impianku pun tak dikenal lagi
Namun di sela-sela huruf sajak ini
Kau takkan letih-letihnya kucari
Sapardi Djoko Damono (1991)
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
"如连我都感觉很难过、我妈呢？"
It's something I wrote on the 24th of June 2015 and it never made it out.
Now, he has finally left us. On the 19th of August 2015. 22:50. He was declared dead by the doctor.
So on this occasion, I would like to remember who dad was.
He was someone who loved his family more than anything. He'd do anything and everything he could to help.
He was someone who worked harder than anyone and everyone else. The mentality of a boss even if he wasn't one, and he finally made it to the top.
He was someone would care for other people even if he himself wasn't in exactly prime condition.
He was someone who is loved by those who've met him.
He would help the people around him without being asked, to the point of making others suspicious for hidden agendas, even when he had none.
He was someone who loved me more than anyone else in my family.
He would call me every night to check where I was.
He would stay up late every night to wait for me to come back home.
He would prepare my room for me everytime I went out of town for a while so that when I came back home, it'll be ready for me to sleep in (he even changed the sheets, made the bed, air my room and turned on the air con so it'd be cool when I'm back).
He did the laundry and ironed all the clothes until yhere wer no more creases at all, in fact, the clothes that were supposed to have creases suddenly became a super neat clothes, a different style than what was intended.
He would cut the fruits for us to eat brcause he knew we won't eat them
If they're not cold and unpeeled.
He would call people up to see how they're doing, just to see if they're fine.
He would come to talk to me when I have clashes with mom just to make sure we'd make up.
He would not do the things that would make me angry/in bad mood even if I was the one who were supposed to do them.
He asked me to remember that if I ever have a crazy, unexplainable headache, that it may be caused by this one accident where this huge white board fell on top of my head when I was still a kid and it caused a huge bump on my head (even if it was years ago and I am completely healed from that).
He did that when he himself was sick.
He was someone who was strong and have a big will to live life.
He loved to travel and to spend time with a lot of people, close family and friends.
He loved to eat noodles and kwetiaw and pork of course.
He also loved to eat ices, even if he wasn't allowed to.
He loved to take videos of our family and friends when we travel.
He loved to take pictures of us.
He's the first (and so far the only) to kiss the back of my hand.
I would only need to say one sentence of my problem, and he would immediately see to it that it'd be taken care of.
Dad with his short comings and kindness and strength has support this family with all his might. He loved with all he is. And I wasn't grateful enough because I didn't understand his form and actions of love.
He was someone with little words and socially awkward, yet everyone would praise him as a very good and kind person. Every single one of them.
Well, I know saying I want him back won't change anything.
I know that this is not some extremely long nightmare that I can get out of, no matter how much I wish it is. How I wished I could just wake up from this and go and find him smiling, or at least asking "what do you want to eat today?"
And I know that God is good no matter what.
So I pray that now that he's not in pain anymore, that Jesus will be his High Priest. That we will meet again someday in heaven, and together we'd praise God, how good He is. And maybe the drama of when Jesus saved him and resurrect him from the dead and bring him to life everlasting.
Dad, we've done our best we could. We prepared such feast for your last party that I don't think we could do better. Your friends all came to pay respects. Mom's, bros' and my friends all came to see you or at least sent their condelences. Flowers were sent abundantly that it overflows until there are no more space to put it (they even put them outside and lined them up the parking lot until level 5. Probably... At least i know it was until level 2). Everything was smooth. And I hope it'll still be smooth until Sunday. Don't wory about me or bro or your beloved BAPI. Just rest in peace and watch over us from heaven above. Send my regards to Andri and tante Elli. I'm sorry we didn't tell you that she'd be waiting there because we didn't want you to feel shocked and down hearted. We all love you. I'll see you when my time is up too. Take care.
Love, Amanda.
;;
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
